Saturday, April 19, 2008

Accentuate the Positive?

I often feel overwhelmed with all the things that are rolling, bumbling, and sometimes jumping around in my head. But in a strange, rather contrary way, (a way that is a sure sign of my own contrariness), the more overwhelmed I become, the quieter, and more withdrawn I am as well. It seems almost as if the sheer amount of thought is forcing me into a comatose state of mind, where I simultaneously focus on all and nothing. It's a very strange, almost uncomfortable feeling, let me assure you.

When these contrary fits of thought-madness strike, I often find myself seeking the most comfortable surrounding possible, so as to easier fall into the coma of ignoring it all. I gather lots of pillows onto the couch, eat junk food, heavy things that make the body logy and slow. I put on movies I can sink into and get away from my world for a little while. (Pride & Prejudice anyone?) Now, occasionally, the movies have a reverse effect, depending on their content. If it's something I can really get into, something that wraps me up quickly in its story, then I add even more to the flood in my brain. (Pride & Prejudice anyone?)

Sometimes I do let myself fall into that flood, and grab at whatever the first thing is that floats by, and see where it takes me. But going on those trips is something like an emotional white water rafting trip, and by the end of it I'm happy just to have survived, much less actually taken in any of the surrounding scenery. Mostly I just leave them (my thoughts) alone, and do my best to float along the top, a bit like that waterlily I'm so fond of borrowing from Fiona Apple's song. And the reason being, I'm lazy. Pure and simple. It's much easier to stay afloat than to try and make sense of it all, or even of some of it. That must be the epitome of sloth, I think; being too lazy to explore the depths of one's own mind. It should be a crime. And once again, I must laugh at myself, at my ridiculous stubbornness, and ability to ignore myself. I really amaze myself sometimes, truly.

But I have appeased myself slightly by at least making the effort to document the problem, if not moving on to the actual doing part. Perhaps another night. Or year. =)