Drama Free

Yesterday was my husband's birthday, so we gathered up the crew and headed out to have some drinks and some laughs. Of course, as is the way of the Outer Banks, and probably small towns everywhere, there was drama. Anyone who knows me knows how much I despise drama. I truly think there is no bigger waste of time. Ugh, just thinking about it irritates me and makes me...irate.

I think that most of the drama that people deal with is self-inflicted. People pretend to be friends with other people, while telling lies behind their backs and stirring up a big fat pot of drama stew. I've never understood why anyone would pretend to be friends with anyone else in the first place. I surely don't waste my time on false pretenses, and I hope others don't waste time on me. If I don't like someone it's not the end of the world, it's just a fact that I deal with and move on. We're aren't supposed to like everyone, human nature doesn't work like that. But I don't spend all my time plotting against the people I dislike. In fact, I spend zero time doing or thinking anything about the people I dislike.

I don't expect everyone to like me either. In fact, I'm kind of a hard person to like at first, and sometimes later too. But if you don't like me, that's great. I have no problems with your dislike, and chances are high I feel the same about you. So let's just move in our own cirlces, yes?

No, apparently not. I will never understand why people who dislike each other pretend to be buddies and hang out all the time. And then wonder why the other is backstabbing them? I mean, seriously people, get a clue. These are not your friends.

I think that perhaps part of my problem with the whole "social acquaintance" and drama issues are that I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I'm not exaggerating when I say that. If you knew them you would agree with me, I have no doubt.

I have real friends who are always there for me. Not like on a stupid sticker on Myspace that says "Friends Forever", I mean they are ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. How many people actually have that? Not many, from what I've seen.

No matter how long we go without seeing each other, it's like we just hung out together the day before. No matter how long we go without calling each other, it's like no time has passed when we talk. There is no uncomfortableness, no self-consciousness, no lying, and no back-stabbing. These aren't rules for a club, they're facts of true friendship.

And I'm blessed and lucky enough to have this small, vital group of people in my life. They're always there, they'll always be there, and nothing can change that. Since I met these people over ten years ago, we've been through so many things, good and bad. Usually the bad was brought into the equation by me, more often than not, and they still love me as much or more than ever. And the same goes.

So I have these amazing friends, real friends, who I would never do evil things to, who would never do evil things to me. And I talk to these other people who tell horror stories about their "friends", and their on-again, off-again relationships with the same "friends". Drama, drama, drama.

Ugh.

I'm wondering if I should have more patience with these idiots or feel sorry for them. Well, in all fairness, they're not idiots. They probably don't even know what they're missing out on. Because while I cannot imagine a life without my most stupendous support system, they're probably like those little animals that live in the deepest caves and the depths of the ocean. How can one miss the sun if one has never experienced it?

It really does make me kind of sad for those people....but I'm also gloating a little bit on the inside. Because my friends are the best friends. And they're mine. For some reason I cannot fathom, they feel the same about me. My friends rock. Out loud, all the time.

Drama-free.

A New Hat

A few days ago I went to KMart, and took the kids, and my mom. Now, anytime both of the kids go anywhere, it's guaranteed to wear me out quickly, and this day was no different. Colin was as good as he could be for as long as he could handle, but my mother is famous for her shopping excursions. She goes in to get one thing, and two hours later, she's still looking around.
So after an hour of sitting in the cart and being good, I could tell my time was running out. Chloe was getting hungry, Colin wanted to run around, I was slowly losing my famous patience...and Mom wanted to look at the hats. My mother NEVER wears hats.
EVER.
So I tell her that's it, after we look at the hats, we're leaving. I already know she just wants an excuse to look around at more stuff, and I was ready to go and feed the kids.
When we get to the hat department, we start trying them on the kids for laughs. Anyone with kids will appreciate how much fun it is to do terrible things to your children and then laugh about it. For example, trying silly hats on them that are much too big, and ridiculous looking without being huge for their little heads.
After a little while I was pushing for us to go, and starting putting all the hats back. Colin was not happy about clean-up time. He was having a good time laughing, and making us laugh with trying the hats on. As I reached for the last hat, a brown plaid fedora with peach stripes and a leather band around the base, he just started screaming. The high pitched scream that never ends, and everyone looks at you like, "My God, do something with your kid!", which I always love. So instead of waging war, and working on lessons like listening, not screaming, blah blah blah...I just said OK, let's take the damn hat with us.
Now I knew when I said it that the hat would end up forgotten as soon as we got in the car, and I hate having junk just laying around. I have enough junk laying around, and I struggle just to keep my house marginally put together without bringing more useless stuff into it. So I was not in a great mood on the way home, having dealt with a tantrum, another hungry baby starting to cry, and the though of something else to pick up at the end of the day.
When we got home I started putting things away, and as soon as I took that silly fedora out of the bag, Colin grabbed it and started laughing, doing his happy dance around the living room.


And of course, once he started playing with it, Chloe had to go investigate. So Colin, in a rare moment of generosity with a new toy that I will forever be proud of, puts his new hat on Chloe.


Which she is immediately blinded by, considering how huge the hat was. Her inability to see did not, however, detract from her laughing. She crawled all over the floor smiling, and every time he'd take the hat to wear himself, she'd sit next to him and grin, like she was just waiting for her turn.
They just went back and forth, both of them laughing like it was the greatest game in the world. And of course, my bad mood was quickly turning into a good mood. Kids are great for that; they can take one moment, and change everything for the better just by smiling.

Since then the hat has become a part of our nightly playing before bath time, with Colin putting it on and strutting around like Sinatra, and Chloe just happy to be in the middle of things, smiling and laughing whenever her brother decides she needs to wear the hat for awhile.All in all a success, I suppose. And if it's one more thing to clean up, who cares? For a face like that I'd buy ten more!

Free Time

It's been awhile since I've written. Sitting here now, looking inward for the reason, I have to admit to a certain...laziness. The act of writing is just so simultaneously theripudic and tiring that I procrastinate. While procrastinating is an art form, and I consider myself a master, I feel a seriously sense of loathing at realizing that I'm once again procrastinating myself into a practical coma. Well, a thought coma at least.
I blame having 2 kids for taking up my spare time, but that's only true to a certain extent. The times when I watch a movie after they're asleep at night, I could put to better use on writing. The naps they take during the day, I could get a little bit in instead of watching a rerun of E.R., since I've already seen them all anyways. It's just so much easier not to. Not to start my crazy brain working, not to get all those crazy intellectual juices boiling around in there. I get tired just thinking about what it does to me.
But when I go back over old writings, I'm amazed at myself. I did that? Little ol' me? And I feel a sense of pride in myself, and accomplishment in my work. Which is a damn good feeling, I'm sure anyone would agree. The fact that I can bring emotion to myself, from my own work, that's how I know it's a piece to save. That that one is one I'll let someone else read.
Wellll......maybe. I'll think about letting someone else read it though. ;)

Anyways, I have actually been busier than usual with the kids. Colin sees his speech therapist one morning a week, and I've actually been trying to keep that scheduled into our day, in the hopes of cutting down on tantrums when she comes. More on that further in. I've been putting some serious effort into my role as "housewife" as well. I know some of you are laughing, and some of you aren't. Those of you who are have never been a housewife/stay-at-home mom. Good for you. The others of you who are not laughing will appreciate the fact that my job is a lot tougher than almost any other job. Period. And that subject will become another blog in the very near future I believe. Back to my time management though. We've been going on longer walks each day, which has pretty much doubled the time it used to take. Which could be because they've turned more in to "exploration" adventures that just "walks". If you want to see the world from a whole new angle, go on a walk outside with a two-year-old. It's fairly amazing all the things I'd pass by without a glance that Colin has to stop and ponder for at least a few minutes. But it's pretty cool to spend an hour doing what would normally take fifteen minutes.
Even aside from the kids, there's the husband. Who is amazing, by the way. If we happen to have the same fifteen minutes of free time, all we want to do is curl up on the couch together and relax until one of the kids attacks us....or each other. Getting time with just the two of us is pretty rare, so we try hard to enjoy it to the fullest.
So in the spare five minutes that leaves me, on occasion, writing is just soooooo tough to do!! Yes, it makes me feel amazing, I'm pleased, blah blah blah. But even as I'm sitting there writing, (like right now), I'm thinking about the other things I could be doing. Or not doing, because just sitting down on the front porch for a moment in solitude is like....awesome. And I mean that in the truest sense of the word, not in the "gnarly brah!" type of way.

Decisions

I could write a checklist of each decision that led to the point I'm at today. While that probably doesn't sound too stupendous to you, let me assure you, it really is. Not the lone act of remembering the event itself, but the clarity with which that memories comes. I can tell you what the weather was like, what perfume I was wearing, the food eaten...and the precise second I turned off the voice in my head telling me to RUN THE OTHER WAY. It's almost as if God has permitted me this perfection of memory, but only for hindsight, be it good or bad. I suppose it's always that way, hindsight is 20/20 and all that...

I wonder sometimes if that means I'm "growing up" or maybe even "becoming an adult", (bleh!); the fact that I'm actually learning from my mistakes, something I've always thought was a great plot line in books, but rarely true in real life.

I watched my husband fall asleep with a smile on his face. He was watching our daughter sleeping between us, and fell asleep himself, still smiling, 5 minutes later. It was one of the greatest things I've ever seen. I suppose we've both learned from our mistakes. But here we are, one way or another, and most days life is pretty good.


I suppose, if having crystal clear memories of all my mistakes means I won't make them again, it's worth it. And I suppose, that if being an adult means having moments where my husband and children make me smile with supreme happiness, well...I guess that's worth it too. =)

Accentuate the Positive?

I often feel overwhelmed with all the things that are rolling, bumbling, and sometimes jumping around in my head. But in a strange, rather contrary way, (a way that is a sure sign of my own contrariness), the more overwhelmed I become, the quieter, and more withdrawn I am as well. It seems almost as if the sheer amount of thought is forcing me into a comatose state of mind, where I simultaneously focus on all and nothing. It's a very strange, almost uncomfortable feeling, let me assure you.

When these contrary fits of thought-madness strike, I often find myself seeking the most comfortable surrounding possible, so as to easier fall into the coma of ignoring it all. I gather lots of pillows onto the couch, eat junk food, heavy things that make the body logy and slow. I put on movies I can sink into and get away from my world for a little while. (Pride & Prejudice anyone?) Now, occasionally, the movies have a reverse effect, depending on their content. If it's something I can really get into, something that wraps me up quickly in its story, then I add even more to the flood in my brain. (Pride & Prejudice anyone?)

Sometimes I do let myself fall into that flood, and grab at whatever the first thing is that floats by, and see where it takes me. But going on those trips is something like an emotional white water rafting trip, and by the end of it I'm happy just to have survived, much less actually taken in any of the surrounding scenery. Mostly I just leave them (my thoughts) alone, and do my best to float along the top, a bit like that waterlily I'm so fond of borrowing from Fiona Apple's song. And the reason being, I'm lazy. Pure and simple. It's much easier to stay afloat than to try and make sense of it all, or even of some of it. That must be the epitome of sloth, I think; being too lazy to explore the depths of one's own mind. It should be a crime. And once again, I must laugh at myself, at my ridiculous stubbornness, and ability to ignore myself. I really amaze myself sometimes, truly.

But I have appeased myself slightly by at least making the effort to document the problem, if not moving on to the actual doing part. Perhaps another night. Or year. =)