Thought without Measure

Tunes

2009-12-12T15:13:00.003-05:00

I love music. You love music. Let's play music!

Here's my current playlist that's been on repeat for weeks now:

Bon Iver-Flume
Grizzly Bear-Two Weeks
She & Him-Sentimental Heart
Hurricane Bells-Monsters
Black Lips-Bad Kids
Bon Iver-The Wolves (Act I & II)
Dario Marianelli-Postcard to Henry Purcell
Joe Purdy-Wash Away
Bon Iver-Creature Fear
Portishead-Glory Box
Meaghan Smith-Here Comes Your Man
Doves-There Goes the Fear
The Drums-Let's Go Surfing
Sia-Breathe
Sea Wolf-Black Dirt

Enjoy!

New 'Do

2009-11-12T23:40:00.010-05:00

Hello strangers! Today was so beautiful and exciting I had to share.

First off, the weather today was the kind of fall day I love; the ones that make me remember why fall is my favorite season. It was cool, the sun was shining and warm, and the leaves are every color red, gold, orange and brown imaginable.

To top off that, I went and got my hair cut today! Two feet of hair, four years of growth, gone in a heartbeart! Well, a few minutes longer than that I suppose...but look at what she was working with!

And then...SNIP! SNIP! SNIP!

TADA!!!!

In case you couldn't tell by my expression, I LOVE IT! I haven't had my hair this short since a terrible incident in 2nd grade which I never wish to think about again...and I definitely didn't love it then.

Lost (updates)

2009-09-25T08:54:00.002-04:00

So I've just realized that the updates I was sending through my phone aren't getting posted. Grrr....

Anyway, I've been on the beach a couple of weeks and let me tell you...VACATIONS ARE GREAT! The day after I left Georgia, the rain started, and hasn't stopped yet. North Georgia is flooded to the max. However, life on the beach is sunny, awesome, and pretty much perfect. :)

And since my MIL has the bebes, I'm giving in to my hardcore Lost addiction. I just started season 3 and I'm pretty excited after the first episode. And I know it's just going to get better.

Til next time!

Addictions and Autumn

2009-08-26T14:22:00.002-04:00

Not too long ago I realized how much time the computer was taking out of my life. When I realized that I was pretty to close to having an all-out addiction, I freaked a little, and kind of abandoned everything I felt was taking up my time, in a bad way.

Needless to say, running three blogs was a (fantastic and fun) drain on my time, and I noticed I was started to change things in my life to make more time for blogging. If I could do that, I should put that time towards other things like, oh I don't know...my kids, my husband, my tentative writing career?

Either way, I've found a good balance between real life and computer life, and while I'm not abandoning my beloved blogs, needless to say, I'll be posting...infrequently :)

That said, all is good in life right now. It's not great, but it's not terrible either. We're making ends meet most of the time, and the kids are growing in amazing leaps and bounds. I can almost taste the end of summer in the air, and I have to admit that I can't wait to see the mountain in autumn.

Till next time!

In Praise of Emma Watson

2009-07-28T19:29:00.002-04:00

So I've loved Emma Watson for a long time, not just for her delightful ability to bring Hermione to life so beautifully on screen, but because she's just so darn precious! Only, now that she's 19, she's grown out of precious and straight into beautiful.

And while there are so many wonderful things I'd love to say about her, I've just now found out that my beloved Fug Girls have already done it for me. So, without further ado, here's their work, diligently cut and pasted by yours truly.

Enjoy!

Catching Up

2009-07-28T16:57:00.002-04:00

So obviously, I haven't been blogging. I've been a little busy living, and I've also been trying to "disconnect" a little bit from my computer. I realized I was spening a little bit too much time on here, and not enough with my kids and husband and house, etc. But I also don't want to give it up completely, so here I am. :)

Life recently has been a little crazy, but in a mostly good way. My kids are growing up so fast, something I'm noticing especially in my 19 month old daughter. She's absolutely the most hilarious little thing! She puts on my high heels and clomps around the house, she pretends she's putting on makeup with my makeup brushes, she opens her dresser drawers and demands that I change her clothes repeatedly throughout the day...and she's not even two! I don't know what I'm going to do with her when she's older, but I guess what they say is true...our children pay us back two-fold :)

I'm not too worried that she'll be an ultra-girlie girl, something I wouldn't know how to handle, because her big brother helps her play in the dirt, and roughs her up a little bit, so she's a pretty tough little thing too.

All in all, things are pretty good right now, which is all that one can ask for!

Tourists, Traffic, Beach, & Homesickness

2009-05-27T10:31:00.002-04:00

I'm still surprised with myself and how happy I am in this tiny mountain town. But, as a friend of mine put it, I can grow here, inside and out. Everything is green now, just like I knew it would be, and there are more bugs than I can put names to.

However....

None of that can detract from the sheer joy I feel about going home for a week. I am literally counting down the days, like a kid before Christmas. And the next 25 days are going to feel like forever, just like they did waiting for those presents under the tree.

Of course, me being me, I've already got this ridiculous itenerary in my head from the time I leave until I get back. Knowing it's ridiculous hasn't stopped me from planning it though. I know that as soon as I get there, all my planning will go out the window, but something in my genetic makeup won't allow me to NOT plan, so there you have it.

Ahhh, the feel of hot sand under my feet, cold, salty ocean waves breaking endlessly on the shore, tourists in neon speedos and too-short trunks trying valiantly to get out past the breakers on their inflatable rafts bought just that morning from Wings...the seagulls swooping and pooping, the kids screaming, dogs barking, the occasional low rumble of an engine as the lifegaurds cruise by on their 4-wheelers...

All of those things are integral to a summer on the Outer Banks, and every summer memory I have ties into each of those things. I gaurantee you that the people from the beach who are reading this now can see exactly what I see, and hear and taste and smell it too. It's just something that, once it's in your veins, there's no escaping it. You could move to Alaska for twenty years and still all it would take is closing your eyes, and taking a deep breath, imagining it heavy with the smell of ocean and traffic and sunscreen and hot pavement...

It really takes you away. :)

Okay, enough rambling, I have to go and make a list of everything I want to take. I mean, c'mon, I've only 25 MORE DAYS!!!!! Haha, just kidding...sort of. ;)

Today's song:
(push "play")

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-05-18T14:05:00.002-04:00

Hello all!

It's been an interesting year all around for me, and my birthday this past Friday has been no exception. I haven't been really looking forward to turning 26, because it puts me on the downhill side of my 20's, and that much closer to 30. While I always say I think 32 is going to be a good year, I'm definitely not in any hurry to get there.

Anyways, I'd been planning my birthday for a few weeks, and I was really excited about it when I went to work on Friday night. It wasn't some big shindig, but for me, who never gets out of the house without going directly to work, it was a big deal. I was planning on going out for drinks with my new (awesome) friends, then spending the night with one of them, sleeping in, then heading to work at4pm.

It was a very long night at work, a constant thing and a huge issue in my life right now that I'm not even going to get into except to say- I work for my in-laws, my husband's father & stepfather. We are not the Brady Bunch.

But I'm not even going to get into that, right? So after a long night, we had about 30 minutes to go, and I was getting pretty excited. Then I was told that I had to be at work the next morning at 10:30am.

FML doesn't even begin to cover the depressed/murderous rage I felt.

I left work biting my tongue so hard it was bleeding and keeping a choke-chain tight hold on my temper, because I have to have this job, and I love my children. But I went straight from the bane of my existence that I call work to my friend's house to change and get ready, and that was when things got better. After a few minutes spent commiserating with her over the unfairness of our work lives (she was also not scheduled 'til 4pm and was told last-minute to be there in the morning), we gathered up her boyfriend and another coworker and headed to the local watering hole.

Things progressed at a normal rate from there.

Drink. Drank. Drunk.

It was a great night :)

The double at work the next day was really rough, and the double the day after that was possibly the longest day in history, but now it's Monday, and I'm off, and I've made a definitive decision that my birthday was a success. Thank wholly to the amazing friends I've made at work; unlikely compatriots in the struggle to maintain composure at the reality-tv-show-in-the-making-hell-hole we work in.

Okay, that was a bit melodramatic, and I apologize. I'm reading a fairly terrible fantasy fiction book right, and I think it must be wearing off on me, due to my diminished brain capacity from the offical "Longest Weekend Ever" and being sick and sleep-deprived.

Ali & Ryan - A Real Love Story

2009-05-08T13:15:00.003-04:00

Something happened at work last week, and I feel like I won't stop thinking about it until I purge ala writing, so here goes.

When I introduced myself as Ali to a man sitting at the bar, he immediately responded with,

"Have you seen the movie The Notebook?"

To which I responded, "Yes. Yes I have."

He smiled and we started talking, and once we reached that inevitable point in most small talk conversations where I mention being married, the man said,

"Is he your Noah?"

I smiled and laughed a little, my first thought being "cheeeesy!"

But over the past few days I've thought about it, with increasing frequency. At first, because I was admittadly charmed with being compared to a character in such a beloved modern love story, something which has never happened before, despite having the same name.

But the more I thought about it, the more I really thought about it.

While our over 8 year long relationship has been anything but a fairytale, it's still been something we both consider ourselves very lucky to be a part of. We've hurt each other deeply, the way only those who love you can. We've made it over every hurdle though, held together by a bond that's been unbreakable, even when we've tried our damndest to break it.

Real love.

I don't know about "true love"; I think it's not quite the right wording for some reason. I've experience love that was true before, but it wasn't the same as what I have with my husband. Real love, flawed, impregnable, unbreakable; that's what we have. I don't really think he would or could, stop trying, and God knows I can't.

We can't stop, it's who we are. We aren't ourselves without the other.

So yes, I think he is my Noah. But better.

He's my Ryan.

♥

Thanks for the Encouragement!

2009-04-30T14:55:00.003-04:00

Someone recently was kind enough to pinpoint every problem in my life, and casually state exactly what (they thought) I was doing wrong. Granted, they'd had a few drinks at that point. But still...

I'm all for expressing your opinion, but have a little bit of class.

The best part was that, after a serious, 15 minute dissection of why I should be desperately unhappy right now, this person said,

"And you're happy! How does that even work? Your life is shit, and you're still happy. That's either ultimate stupidity or ultimate optimism."

So thank you, kind soul, for your incredibly encouraging words of wisdom in my time of troubles. There is nothing like having someone who has nothing to do with your life make it clear that your way is the wrong way. Oh, and I'm stupid.

Actually, no. I'd rather be optimistic and grateful that I am alive to experience the troubles life gives us.

Being optimistic (and not a complete jerk) are what enabled me to simply smile at you after your rant; to smile and say,

"Thank you. Listening to you has made me realize how much worse my life could be. I could have my life, with your attitude. God that's a depressing thought. Bye!"

He who laughs last, laughs loudest, my friend, and I am still laughing.

Take a Deep Breath & Count to 10

2009-04-29T14:05:00.003-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, the entire Northern part of Georgia was subjected to some pretty gnarly weather. We had high winds, rain, hail the size of golf balls, then the size of baseballs, tornadoes, and the weirdest green skies I've ever seen.

During all of that, we lost power, as we'd kind of expected to. After 26 hours without power, or a shower, since the well is electric too, we discovered something about our local power company.

They suck.

We're apparently about 3 miles outside the huge corporate power company that covers most of Georgia, so we have the smaller local company. And after talking to a number of neighbors, all of whom have generators, we noticed a basic line throughout all their stories; a combination of slight warning and simmering frustration.

Now we understand why. It takes FOREVER to get the power back on after a serious outtage. And less serious outtages happen frequently. Like when the power flickers off and right back on again.

Like this morning when it flickered off right when I was saving 10 hours worth of work on the computer. It cut back on so fast that out microwave didn't even register the outtage. The computer, however, registered it just fine.

If I thought it would do any good, I'd call the so-called "employees" at the power company, and vent a little of my current frustrations. However, I know it's useless, both because our neighbors, long standing haters of the company, have told me it's futile, and because Ryan tried it last time it went out.

So all I can really say is,

AMICALOLA POWER CAN SUCK IT!!

Back to work, grrrrr......

Finally a Friday Night!

2009-04-28T12:53:00.003-04:00

Finally, after months of no life, I'm getting a weekend-ish reprieve. My mother in law is coming to town, and all she wants is for us to leave her alone with the kids.

Let me assure you, the hubs and I are more than willing to oblige her. She'll stay at our house, we'll stay at her hotel. Works for me!

The best part about it is, I can't wait to hang out with my new friends! These girls are so sweet, and downright awesome, I feel so lucky to have been basically set right down in the middle of them. Making friends is not something I do, generally. I get that that sounds strange, but it's true. I have tons of acquaintances, and few friends. Those I do count as friends are people I can go months without talking to, and when we finally see each other again, it's like only hours have passed.

So this Friday night I'm going to act my age, drink too much, and probably struggle at work on Saturday with a hangover and some embarrassing stories about what I did the night before.

I cannot wait. ;)

Skidoosh!

2009-04-16T09:57:00.002-04:00

Sorry (again) for the delay in posting. But the weather is finally warming up, and somehow my house messes itself up when I blink, and I just seem to have a lot on my plate. And while it is one of my most satisfying treats, blogging often gets put on the bottom of my to-do list, under other things like...feeding my kids. And showering.

And I've found a new love (big surprise, right? I have a falling in love compulsion I think...it happens at least once a week....people, places, things...whatev. I'm full of love and it overflows sometimes I guess.)

Anyways, I've been teaching myself how to work with vectors, backgrounds, paint.net, and I'm slowly getting the hang of it. My next project is to make my own background for this blog...which I'll probably get around to in....a million years.

Tons of people I know have Photoshop, which I'm jealous about. However, there is no way I can afford that, considering I'm already living off mac-n-cheese and tuna sandwiches, but I found this FREE and just as awesome program called Paint.net. It's free and awesome, and did I mention that it's free?

Then I found about a billion sites with free clipart, copyright free vintage images, and free vectors. I'm working on getting them all together so I can post all the links and all that jazz.

Plus, I've realized that I've got these ideas for stories that are all kind of the same...which leads me to realize that there is something I'm wanting to write about, something I'm set on in my mind, but unsure of exactly how to go about it.

And, I've got two kids.

So life is busy, but I'll be back. Soon.

SKIDOOSH!! :)

Best music vid EVER!!

2009-04-07T19:05:00.001-04:00

For some probably ridiculous reason, I can't embed this video. BUT GO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW! It's the greatest music video ever! Oh, and the song is awesome too :)

Like Vintage and Free? Go here!

2009-03-30T10:23:00.002-04:00

My bloggy-buddy Carolyn pointed me in the direction of one of the most fantastic blogs,

Seriously, if you like getting crafty, or just looking at awesome vintage pics, check it out. There are more free, vintage cliparts than you can shake a stick at! I'm lusting after enough free time to decoupage a box with vintage images...one day!!

Um, Edward who?

2009-03-27T11:46:00.002-04:00

My husband watched Twilight with me last night.

I'm neck-deep in love/lust with him right now.

Find out why over here ---> ;)

Also, I'm feeling super excited about life for some reason, it's literally brimming over and I had to put a little bit of it down here so I wouldn't explode. Just sayin'. :)

Took The Camera-Finally!

2009-03-19T11:11:00.015-04:00

So when we went for a walk yesterday in the gorgeous, almost too warm, weather, I actually remembered to grab the camera on the way out the door! Yay Ali!

Not to go off on too much of a tangent, but having kids seriously screws your memory capabilities. I was once famous for my detailed memory skills- it's one of the reasons I was such an awesome cocktail waitress...I never wrote anything down, not for a party of ten with all different meals and drinks. I just didn't need to. And I took it for granted. But after having kids, a large portion of my brain is constantly taken up with thoughts about them...even when I'm not consciously thinking about them. They've simply taken up a permanent spot in my brain which leaves it capable of nothing else. So now I write down all my orders, and still sometimes forget something, which drives me crazy to no end!!!

So back to the story, I finally remembered the camera, probably because it was right in front of me as I was walking out the door. So let me share some pictures with y'all! :D

This is the road I'm always going on about, that's cut into the mountain. My camera doesn't do it justice at all (I've got the oldest, still-functioning digital camera in the universe), but you can get the general idea I think.

As I was walking I was taking them (there's no stopping and setting it up with two kids who are ready to roll), so they may be blurry. This is at the top of the road-

And about halfway down-

And you can see the way it turns to the left down there
at the bottom-

Onto this little road, which I'm in love with and want to live on-

We always come on on this pond on the right-

And Chloe starts yelling "DUH!" which is "duck", even though
we've never seen ducks on it-

And Colin and I rush to turn around to see our favorite place-

The little boy fishing was just so Norman Rockwell, I loved it-
The pipe he's sitting on is where that lake with no ducks across the street drains out of. All over the mountain there's drains like this, keeping the water in little pools and streams as it runs down the mountain.-

And another view, because I adore it-

I wish the brush wasn't on the left there, but I also kind of
like how it's all green on one side,
and gray-brown on the other-

Then it's time to head back-

And then my favorite time-naptime!

This Kid is FANTASTIC!

2009-03-11T10:51:00.002-04:00

Makeup artist extraordinaire Amy Chance had this link up on Twitter, and I am SO glad I checked it out! Because this kid, Arlo, is the most fantastic dresser I've seen...especially since he's ONLY 5 YEARS OLD! And he dresses himself no less. Check it out here, and make sure you check out the slideshow link, it's awesome.

You gotta admit, this kid's got style! ;)

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood!

2009-03-07T12:49:00.002-05:00

The weather today is PERFECT. It is GORGEOUS, FANTASTIC, and also AMAZING. Sunny, warm, with the perfect breeze to keep it from being hot. I am in love with today! And after the past few days (weeks, months...) of freezing cold, I was as ready as the kids to get out and play!

Ryan went to get groceries, and took Chloe with him (yay!), so Colin and I went for a walk around the area again. And while I'm generally extremely (overly) thorough with my stories, trying to leave no details behind, I've realized that today's walk would make for a very boring story. Play-by-play just doesn't quite capture the magic, so here's the highlights instead. :)

*Colin picked up two handfuls of dirt and threw them into the air above his head, scattering dirt all over him. The dirt here is so chock full of mica, that pretty reflective stuff you see in roads, that it litterally looks like someone poured diamonds all over the ground. With the sun hitting him, Colin looked like he was surrounded by a cloud of pixie dust, or a ton of silver Christmas glitter. It was beautiful, and he was so happy it was raining sparklies on him that I just let him do it, with a smile on my face.

*Colin adores watching water in it's various forms as much as I do. When Chloe is with us, it's go go go, but today, we spent 10 minutes holding hands by the side of the road, listening to the water running down the mountain, rushing over rocks and leaves and sticks. We threw the biggest sticks we could find into the pool and watched them float down the stream until we couldn't see them any more. We threw rocks and laughed together at the kerplunking sounds they made.

*A tiny little terrier puppy ran out of a yard we past and followed us for the rest of our long walk. When we passed his house on our way home, he stayed with us, running alongside Colin, or chasing him, or being chased by him.

I am in love with today, with the weather, with the world, and everyone and everything in/on it. Days like today are what I live for.
As close to perfection as I think we can get this side of heaven. I drive past this on my way to work. It's the wrong season (I took this from a local realty website) but still...gorgeous!

Completely Pointless. And Sexy.

2009-03-04T14:20:00.018-05:00

I got sucked into Twitter for a good solid half hour earlier today, time which was already dedicated to putting away some portion of the laundry mountain threatening to take over the bed. As I'm sitting here now, I can see in the mirror the laundry mountain behind me. I'm ignoring it in the hopes that it will eventually all either a.) fall to the floor, where I will put it away piece by piece over the next week, or b.) all get worn in the next few days so I don't have to put any of it away.

Anyways, once I was sucked into Twitter, there was no escape. So many funny/silly/smart tweets to read! And the thing I love about it is that it's a quick and dirty form of communication. Not dirty/perverted, but in the sense that, since there is a limit to the number of characters you can use for each mini-message, you have no space for flowery, rambling speeches. It's like distilled thoughts, only the necessary keywords needed to make what you're trying to say coherent. Or not. It's entertaining to read celebrity tweets which are purposely vague or misleading, and wondering what they really mean. And it's even better because (most of them) actually do their own tweets, so it's like a quick connection to a star...and who doesn't love that? While people like Obama have staff members upkeep their Twitter accounts, others like Ingrid Michaelson, Tina Fey, and Dane Cook are on regularly, and often reply to fan's queries.

It was Dane Cook's page I was on earlier when I saw a link to something that made my heart stop suddenly, and then beat furiously, sending my pulse flying along with it. I wanted to share it with you, but beware: you may experience trouble breathing during and after watching this. I did.

DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE!

So...

How do you feel?

Yes, I know. It's a trailer for the new Terminator movie, starring Christian Bale. Probably not quite what were you expecting, huh? =)
Christian Bale is like lust personified. Seriously. His face, his eyes, his VOICE, his unbelievable acting skills, his ability to do any accent in the world. (He's Welsh in real life, by the way. You'd never guess it from his movies, all of which have a different accent. Just a little trivia for you. No, I'm not obsessed.)

And aside from the fact that he is really, really, really ridiculously good looking, and a great actor, he chooses the best movie roles. I mean, I've never been a huge fan of Batman...or even a little fan. But I watched Batman Begins, and went from completely apathetic about it to watching it every time it came on TV. And then Dark Knight came out...and I don't have to say more. A+, times a billion. Seeing him play the snobbish, haughty, gorgeous Bruce Wayne next to the haunted, humble, gorgeous Batman just makes him doubly hotter.

And Terminator, while I enjoy it as a sort of classic, something that brings back fond memories of younger days more than any sense of really liking the movie, and I'll watch it on TV maybe once every 3 years or so, has never been anywhere close to my idea of a great film. But you add Christian Bale to that (along with a slew of awesomely talented people in charge of location, CGI, screenwriting, directing, ect.) and I cannot wait to see it.

But the one I'm really excited about is Public Enemies, which comes out this year. Let me just say, whoever the casting director was deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. Okay, maybe not a Nobel Prize, but something really awesome, like a chance to make out with Christian Bale......sorry, totally sidetracked myself. In case you're too lazy to click the link, or just don't realize what you're missing out on by not doing it, I'll give you a hint:

Christian Bale,
(yum yum yum

yum yum yum
yum yum yum
yum yum yum)

Johnny Depp,

Billy Crudup,

Channing Tatum,

Giovanni Ribisi,

David Wenham,

Stephen Dorph,

and

Rory Cochran

(from Empire Records!)

make up the male cast.

Um, can you say GORGEOUS?!?! I mean, how many good-looking guys can you squeeze into one movie?! And then, to cap it off, the female lead is played by

Marion Cotillard,

whom you may remember from her Oscar winning performance in La Vie En Rose, where she played the troubled and famous singer, Edith Piaf.

Also starring is Leelee Sobieski, whom I've always liked for her completely non-classical beauty, and her strangely piercing eyes, and her very quirky choice of movie roles.

and

Emilie de Rahvin,

who is best known for her character Claire Littleton on Lost, a show I've never seen before.

Also in it is Carey Mulligan,
who played Kitty Bennet in my all time favorite, Pride & Prejudice, and has a surprisingly large indie-credit list.

Needless to say, I'm excited to see this movie.

And now, some more completely gratuitous, and gorgeous, photos of Mr. Bale. And for all you out there who are going, "yeah, he's hot, but he's a jerk, didn't you hear him freak out on that guy not too long ago?", and the answer is yes, I did hear the entire thing. It only makes him hotter. ;) Trust me.

Thank You! Come Again!

2009-02-24T17:07:00.002-05:00

To any of you who are fans of Stephenie Meyer, please leave me you opinion here.

Thank you, come again!

Easy Like Sunday Morning

2009-02-23T11:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was the perfect Sunday. A Sunday like the ones I've dreamed about, and missed dearly, since having kids. But let me start with a smidge of Saturday before I move onto Sunday.

After three days of training, Saturday night I was on my own at work.

(Thank God! I hate training, I feel like I'm useless, and getting in everyone's way, not to mention shadowing someone's every move just being really irritating to all parties involved. I've been waiting tables since I was 14...I think I can handle it, right? Okay, off the soapbox now.)

Saturday was busy, and I didn't get home until almost 11:30pm, a late night for me. But I made good money, and didn't screw anything up, so I was feeling pretty great. I stayed up for a little while to finish my chapter in Pride & Prejudice, and went to sleep around midnight.

And then it happened...

I woke up and it was 9:30am!

Now I know, you're going, "Ok, I don't get it. What happened?", but I guess really it was what didn't happen. My daughter slept through the night FOR THE FIRST TIME. All you moms out there are now remembering with a little smile the joy (& probably trepidation if it was you first kid) of sleeping through the night that first time. It was blissful.

But then, and this is when the really great stuff went down, my husband got up with her in the morning, and let me sleep. My husband NEVER gets up in the morning, it's just not what we do. We have our schedule, and I wake up with the kids every single day, except the last Mother's Day, when he got up with my son. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty great when I actually got out of bed, and he was playing in the living room with both the kids, and he had made a pot of coffee, another first, since he doesn't drink it.

As if that stunning beginning wasn't enough, after we all got dressed, we went for a walk around our new neighborhood. The air was FREEZING, but it was so sunny and bright it seemed like a crime not to get out and enjoy it. I didn't take the camera with me (doh!) so I can't show pictures yet, but it's already sitting on the counter, batteries charged, awaiting our next excursion.

Everything here is up or down, there are no level straight-aways. So walking a few streets over with a 1- and 2-year old is like a 5 mile hike in the mountains. But on those few streets I saw so much beauty. There was a huge pond, its murky blue-green water completely still, until an enormous flock of ducks landed with much flapping and squawking, to the utter delight of my children, and therefore to me and my husband as well. A little further along there was a little brook running next to a green lawn, the water running clear and quick over rocks and pools, making tiny waterfalls that, while I dragged my kids back from them repeatedly, I felt bad for doing because I wanted to splash in them too!

The road cut through the mountain then, and on either side of us the famous "GA red clay" rose up, showing the sparking crystilline rocks that make up the mountain itself. There are no leaves on the trees here now, but there are so many trees that I find myself repeating, almost mantra-like, "just wait, it's going to be so beautiful when everything is green with summer". I can just see what that stretch of road is going to look like, winding up and down under the canopy of trees, the light all green and alive, shining down through the leaves unto our upturned faces.

I'm seriously excited about spring, can you tell?

After our walk, the kids were worn out and were both ready for a nap (gotta love those hills!), which they never seem to take simultaneously, so we got to enjoy a few minutes of "adult time" which we ended up spending just sitting next to each other on the front porch, bundled in coats and hats, and not saying much.

It was phenomenal.

To cap off what I consider a truly terrific day, my father-in-law showed up with an obscenely large television that apparently had been sitting in his garage for a while. While I would NEVER buy one of those monstrosities myself, there is something pretty great about watching 300 on a screen so wide you can't put your arms around it.

There's nothing like going back to work after a two year break to make you appreciate how great a day off is. And as far as days off go, yesterday was one of the best!

Nothing On My Mind But Georgia

2009-02-18T15:58:00.009-05:00

I have arrived in my new state-land of peaches, rappers, and antiques. Georgia; northern Georgia to be exact, at the start of the Appalachian Mountains.

We got up at 7am on Saturday and went to Henry's for breakfast one last time, which was a great way to start the day. The rest was spent packing up the U-Haul we'd rented, thinking we could definitely fit our lives in the back of a 17 foot truck. By the time 8pm rolled around, the time we'd decided to leave the beach, we had packed the truck so that not a single inch was wasted, and still didn't take everything with us.

{In case you're wondering, we decided to drive through the night so that the kids would sleep (hopefully) most of the way. If you don't have kids you probably don't get how giving up a good night's sleep is totally worth it when the alternative is turning a 9.5 hour trip into a 12.5 hour trip, considering all the stopping and letting the kids out to stretch and run, not to mention the endless screaming, toy throwing, and general chaos than can occur while driving with small children.}

When the time came to actually get in the truck and go, the surreal feeling I'd been holding onto kind of slipped, and the reality of what I was about to do hit me a little. Especially when my mom started crying. We aren't a family that cries lightly and openly about things. I mean, if it's called for then it's not a big deal or anything, we just don't give in to it unless we have to. So it was a pretty emotional few minutes. Add to the fact that my 1 year old daughter, who can be seriously adorable when she puts her mind to it, could tell something was making her Mimi sad, so she kept giving her big, open-mouth kisses and smiling, making her sounds for "nice". It was kind of heart-wrenching, in a good way.

I managed to get the kids into the truck, and started down my road for the last time. My husband was following with the U-Haul, so I let the tears come for half a minute, let the reality settle in again that I was leaving everything I knew for new and uncharted lands. Well, new and uncharted for us at least.

But as I was leaving the old neighborhood, I turned that part off again and settled into "driving mode", focusing only on where I was going and what I was doing at that moment. Inconsequential details like speed limits, passing cars, and gas levels have a way of emptying the mind of everything else, allowing you to focus on only those things in front of you; a large part of the reason I love to drive-freedom to think as deeply or shallowly as one wishes.

After stopping for one last fill-up, and to stock up on some serious energy drinks, we hit the road in ernest, south and west, from sandy beaches and flat lands to trees and rivers winding down mountains.

The next 9.5 hours were mostly uneventful, unless you consider drinking a 5-Hour Energy Shot, a Red Bull, a tall french vanilla cappacino, and a can of Coke eventful. I'll tell you this, it was pretty eventful to my heart rate.

At a little after 6am, right about the time when I just knew I COULD NOT sit in the car and stare at lines on the road for ONE MORE MINUTE without completely, totally, absolutely FREAKING OUT and LOSING CONTROL, we drove up one last hill, and I literally let out a little gasp.

The sky was still very dark, although not as dark as it had been an hour before, and the air was a little foggy and damp with early morning. We crested the top of the hill and laid out in the valley before us, all dark windows and glowing yellow streetlights, was the town. It was an absolutely beautiful moment that I don't think I'll forget for a very long time. It was like driving into a story book, or a Norman Rockwell painting.

I only had a second to take it all in because, as it tends to in the mountains, as soon as we went up, we had to go back down, and right, and left, and up again. I like driving in the mountains because you never know what the next manuver is going to be.

Seeing the story-book village picture calmed me down a little bit and I was feeling a little more relaxed and able to make it the last 10 minutes to our new house. I was also feeling a little nauseous from drinking such a ridiculous amount of caffeine and eating nothing, so I was hoping it really was only ten minutes away.

As it turned out, it was two minutes less, and we were suddenly there; our new house.

Home.

The kids, in that way that kids seem to have, woke up as soon as I parked in the drive way, and gladly got out of their carseats to investigate the new place. After discovering that tile and wood floors combined with a complete lack of furniture, or anything else, made for great running/jumping/echoes, we left them to it and started unpacking.

I don't ever want to think about that part of the trip again, so if you don't mind, I'll just skip over it and go straight to my next favorite part.

After close to 36 hours with no shut-eye at all, I laid down in our familiar bed- in a new house, a new state, a new life-and went to sleep.

(Painting by K. Craft, used as the cover for one of my favorite books, The Book Of Atrix Wolfe.

Painting titled In the Forest of Peace)

On Hold

2009-02-07T18:46:00.002-05:00

Hey guys, the blogs are on hold for a little while, check out the details here :)

See you guys soon!!

Completely Random

2009-02-06T08:16:00.002-05:00

So I had some pretty crazy dreams last night, most of which I don't really remember. What I do remember is the dream I had where I was hanging out with Kristen Stewart at Josh Duhamel and Fergie's wedding. Oh, and I was a guest of Josh's, not Fergie's.....in fact, she wasn't even in my dream at all...which doesn't bother me in the least, because hanging out with Josh was way sweeter. He is so adorable, and it was an awesome dream! Me and Kristen went to a grocery store of some sort to get something they were out of, and I was acting a fool, and we were having a good time...

So anyways, it was a totally random, albeit awesome dream of which I spent most of the time staring at Josh Duhamel's completely adorable smile...

Sometimes I wonder about my own subconscious...

Josh Duhamel

Kristen Stewart

Just a Thought

2009-02-01T21:27:00.003-05:00

It's funny how people catagorize other people. I personally have noticed people put me mostly into one of two categories:

1. Snobby, evil, sarcastic, bitchy, know-it-all. We'll call her Miss High & Mighty.

2. Smart, trustworthy to the extreme, loyal, secret-keep, a little crazy, in a quirky way. We'll call her Miss Moonlight, since I often say that I should moonlight as a therapist, at least then I'd get paid for it.

Now, Miss Moonlight and Miss H&M are totally different people. But rarely do people cross that line in their heads, and move me from one to the other. I'm not saying it's good or bad, it just is. I can see why people might think Miss H&M is who I really am. Sometimes, sometimes only mind you, I will purposely let them think that is who I am. Why? I am terrible at the whole social friendliness thing. I mean, I can fake it for a while like a champ, I am a star interview-ee for that quality. But if I'm not in the mood to do the fake nice thing, I don't. I don't want people who don't like me to act like they do? Why would I do that to them? I don't want to waste any time in my life around people like that, and I make a conscious effort to avoid ever having to. Miss H&M come in handy at those times.

Miss Moonlight, I would like to think, is closer to who I really am. I am a master secret-keeper; it's a known fact. And there's just something that makes people feel like they can really open up about anything to me, whether I've known them for five years or five hours. I really like that, but it's also kind of strange. Personally, I'm a very private person, so occasionally I'm surprised when relative strangers start pouring their hearts out. But generally, they seem more surpised by it than I am, like they can't believe they just told me that, and yet they can't seem to stop themselves. I appreciate that people feel that I am worthy enough a vessel for holding their deepest thoughts.

The few people who really know me would probably pick Miss In The Middle. She's the one with a basically optimistic outlook, occasionally idealistic, non-judgemental, opinionated, moody, loyal, sarcastic one who can be a blast to be around, or a real bitch, if I'm being espescially snarky.

I find myself a constant contradiction to myself. Which somehow is not surprising at all.

For more, go here :)

Fingers Crossed!

2009-01-31T12:39:00.004-05:00

We found a great place we think is going to be great, so I'm keeping my fingers (and eyes and toes and...well, you get the point.) crossed that our application is approved and Ryan's job continues to pay him and the stars align....

On another happy note, I've heard some good things about the Jacob's Ladder Center outside of Atlanta, so I'm going to check into that in more detail...wish me luck!!
And cross your fingers! ;)

For more on what's going on in my world, take a peek ;)

Re-Decorating Rocks!!

2009-01-23T22:17:00.005-05:00

The thing about moving is that, well....I've done it a lot. I'm not going to sit here and think about every single time, but the number of times is definitely closer to 50 than 5. Everyone hates moving don't they? I mean, the packing, the cleaning, the being-forced-to-throw-away-things-that-you'd-rather-keep-yet-have-no-room-for....as a pack rat, that last one makes me sad. But still, I secretly love moving. Don't get me wrong! I cannot wait for the day I have my own house that I can paint, hammer, tack, re-paint and possible knock down. Until then, I have the joy of redecorating. Every time I get ready to move, I start thinking about how I'll redecorate. But this time, I REALLY excited about it! Because I've found all these really neat places online for DIY for cheap ideas....YAY!

This awesome mirror from SUCK UK is great for seeing how you measure up to your favorite celebs! Apparently a sexy gene is connected to being around whatever height Clark Gable, Elvis, George Clooney, Beckham, and Brad Pitt are, since their within a few inches of each other. I want this in my bathroom instead of my normal full length mirror!

Also, this mirror is pretty awesome. I've been loving some damask since I made Stef's scrapbook, and this stuff changes colors as you walk by from blue to green to purple. Which doesn't match anything I have and I don't care.

I'll be so relaxed after an hour in this Neiman Marcus Albright Tub that matching anything will be completely unimportant.

This too please...peacocks are awesome for decorating pretty much anything.

Hmm...I've just stumbled onto a new site, time to search out more treasures! I'll be back soon with more redecorating!

Up, Up, Up

2009-01-22T16:01:00.003-05:00

Life is CRAZY! I literally have no time these days, which is really driving me crazy, because with everything that's been going on I have TONS to say!! (big surprise, eh?)

I have approximately 3 minutes, so pardon the lack of finesse in the writing, if you please. Quick update on what's happening:

Ryan has gone to Georgia to work, because the economy on the OBX, like the rest of the known universe, sucks right now. But we've decided that we want to leave the beach for a while, so we're going to try to pack up and head out to Georgia permanently. Which is huge, considering the kids ages and Colin being in the middle of his diagnosis, blah blah blah. Life doesn't wait for anyone.

So for the next month, if not two, I'm playing single parent. Both of my children have been sick for the past week, and didn't get to play in the snow, which makes my heart hurt a little. You wouldn't believe the amount of snot such little people can produce. And they look so miserable it just tears you up. Oh, and I have no vehicle of my own right now, so I'm pretty much
housebound. All the time.

(If you've seen The Sandlot, you can hear the voice in your head saying "For-Ev-Er. Fo--Ev--Er--")

But I'm also pretty excited, cautiously so I should say, about the move, because things are looking up right now. We'd be an hour away from Atlanta, which is awesome. There's an Autism center I've been reading about 30 minutes away, and we would have our own house. Not an apartment, a house. Of our own. I really hope it works out!!

I'm trying to squeeze some writing in when I can, which usually means staying up way past my bedtime and drinking a pot of coffee the next morning, but I like it. I'm not worried it's going to disappear anymore, so that's a relief. If you want to read more about it, check out my other blog, On Writing.

I know there's more, but now I've got a list running through my head of things I should be doing instead of this...(vaccuum, laundry.....)

I'm Back (Cue Batman music). Or Bach.

2009-01-12T08:59:00.003-05:00

So it's been forever it seems like, and life has been crazy....but when is it not? I have so much to tell, and no time right now, but I'll be back. Or rather, Ah'll Be Bach, to quote ol' Arnold.J. S. Bach

Encouraging Stuff

2008-12-05T09:16:00.003-05:00

I went to a meeting last night, a very informal meeting for parents/grandparents of children with Autism. It was so incredible to sit in a room with people who understand exactly what it's like to deal with meltdowns in public, how amazing it feels to get any sort of communication from your kids, and resources for literature and help dealing with Autism.

I left feeling like I could handle anything, which is pretty great considering how isolated I've felt so far. I'm going to do another post with more details about Autism, but right now I'm super busy. I just had to share how awesome having a support group is.

Overload

2008-11-29T21:58:00.003-05:00

Life has been crazy! Trying to juggle being a stay-at-home mother of two, wife, daughter, housekeeper, circus ringleader, Twihard, aspiring novelist, family holiday traveler, and all-around happy chick has seriously taken up all my time.

But things are good. The book is going well, and I'm already writing a few chapters for another one that I'm pretty excited about. I enjoyed Twilight the movie. Thanksgiving was delicious, and I ate way too much. I realized exactly why I adore my crazy family. My kids are happy, and healthy, as am I. My husband is phenomenal, and thinks I am too. My sister and nephews will be here for Christmas, with a big surprise. I've spent tons of time with my friends, and talked to my absent bestie frequently. I'm happy.

Life is good, in short, and I want to go into detail, and share some truly adorable pictures of the babies, but I'm in the middle of a tense scene for my book, so duty calls.

To quote those adorable Brits I'm so obsessed with-
"Keep Calm and Carry On."

Think Happy Thoughts!

Halloween

2008-11-02T08:44:00.003-05:00

I love Halloween, it's one of my two favorite holidays-that-aren't-really-holidays. Mostly I just love an excuse to dress up. This year was pretty funny though, since I spend all year talking about what I'm going to be...then wake up the morning of and say to myself, "Hmmmm...what can I make out of what I've got here?"

My inspiration this year was the witch hat I found in my Halloween box, a leftover from one of my mother's costumes a few years back. Since I'd never been a witch, I thought that would be easy, and I was right. All I did was put on a dress, fishnets, and heels that I've owned forever and did some crazy eye-makeup...voila!

Ryan was....well...I just told everybody that we decided to dress up like ourselves this year. Which still makes me laugh a little bit.

The Pooh suit made it's last appearance (*sigh*) which really does make me sad. It's just so darn cute! Chloe was Pooh this year, while Colin was a ninja (very appropriate, yes?)

Unfortunately, I couldn't find the digital camera to take pictures of Colin, so I used a disposable, which I haven't developed yet. As soon as I do, I'll add the pictures of Colin in here too. But I did put some gear on him, just for a giggle, which I am posting so you too will hopefully get a giggle. =)

Next year, it's on like Donkey Kong. I'm not sure what we'll all be, but I'm sensing a certain...epic-ness in the air. ;)

A Little One

2008-10-30T09:39:00.002-04:00

So tomorrow is Halloween, which is always at the top of my list for favorite pointless holidays. I adore dressing up, for any occasion, and Halloween is like...the Oscars of dress up. I haven't made a sweet costume this year, I'm just digging through the box of old stuff, looking for a repeater.

The kids are going to be so adorable!! I'm putting their costumes on them today, and taking a billion pictures, so hopefully I'll get at least one good one of each of them. We'll see how well that goes.

While I love this place, home of my first blog, I've really spent a lot more time on my novel.

(Hahahahahahaha, I don't think I could say that out loud without cracking a smile, and probably giggling too. It sound so pretentious for some reason!)

So when I get free time, I'm trying to put it towards getting some pages down. But I am going to attempt keeping up with this one as well, so don't forget about it! ;)

Robsession

2008-10-25T09:04:00.006-04:00

I think I need help. I've seriously become totally obsessed lately with Robert Pattinson. I know, I know, so is almost every woman who has read Twilight and is desperately waiting the movie's opening on November 21. But mostly those women love Edward, and would be equally obsessed with anyone who played the part.

Personally, I never fell in love with Edward. He really was too perfect, almost obnoxiously so. He's like a manic-depressive immortal, until he falls in love with Bella, and then he's a super control freak. Until Bella defies him, and then he's got too much self-control. I mean, they never even have a fight. Maybe that's my age kicking in, (it is a young adult book), but that's how I feel. I like Edward, don't get me wrong. But I've loved many other leading men in other stories quite a bit more. (Mr. Darcy anyone?)

But Rob is delish. Period. He's awkward and smart, and has the most amazing singing voice, plays guitar and classical piano, and that accent doesn't hurt either. And let's not even talk about the "magical unicorn forest". Those of you who are similarly obsessed know what I'm talking about.

Okay, just had to get that out to avoid immediate implosion due to his adorableness.

If you share a similar Robsession, you'll probably want to check out
Robert Pattinson Life

On Writing

2008-10-24T07:53:00.005-04:00

So I had a few entries here on writing, but obviously they aren't here any more.

That's because I moved them!

I started a new blog, On Writing, to detail my journey of writing and publishing a book. (FINALLY!)

So go ahead and check it out!

Click below:
On Writing

The Big Clean

2008-10-15T17:17:00.004-04:00

It's so amazing to me to look back and see how totally different, and yet very much the same I am now, as an adult, compared to when I was a kid. I guess I should say child so no one reminds me that kids are baby goats, but it seems somehow...pretentious?...to refer to oneself as a child. Maybe that's just stuck in my head since I've been reading Robert Jordan, but there it is, one way or another.

There are very few people, outside of my family, who have known me long enough to witness both sides of this difference/sameness. And all of those people are either my closest friends, or people who didn't actually know me, then or now. I have no idea if my friends think I've changed or not, I'll have to ask them soon. I know for a fact that my acquaintances who were considered friends at the time would think I've changed completely. Those who were too cool to know me then are mostly still too cool to talk to me now.

(Thank God.)

My recent manic organizing/minimizing is just one point that brought this change, or lack of, to my attention. Here's one example: the first half of my life was spent obsessively keeping anything and everything that had a memory attached to it. For someone like me, who pretty much attaches a memory to everything, that meant that by the time I reached high school, I had a room packed to overflowing with what was mostly junk. Thinking back specifically to my freshman year, and the first time I brought a boy over and let him into my room...I shudder to now to recall how it must have looked to him.

Just getting the open in the first place was impossible. The carpet was invisible, because there was a layer of clothes and other miscellaneous junk covering ever square inch. Every available space was loaded down with more stuff, and that included my double bed. Only half of it was left clear for me to sleep on, the half piled high with clothes, papers, books....you get the idea.

But somewhere along the way, I just decided to be organized. I discovered a long dormant desire to have a place for everything, and put everything in it's place. It's funny for me to feel the sense of satisfaction I get from being organized. I giggle when I boast to my friends about my newly organized closet, because I know how funny it must sound to hear the pride in my voice...and yet I cannot help it, because I really to feel like I've done something great.

I suppose my friends really aren't that surprised to hear me bragging about cleaning out the downstairs room in a 10-hour marathon with my husband, or being excited about the shelf organizers I picked up from Target. They think pretty much everything out of my mouth is funny for one reason or another.

I guess some things don't ever change.

Drama Free

2008-09-27T10:31:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was my husband's birthday, so we gathered up the crew and headed out to have some drinks and some laughs. Of course, as is the way of the Outer Banks, and probably small towns everywhere, there was drama. Anyone who knows me knows how much I despise drama. I truly think there is no bigger waste of time. Ugh, just thinking about it irritates me and makes me...irate.

I think that most of the drama that people deal with is self-inflicted. People pretend to be friends with other people, while telling lies behind their backs and stirring up a big fat pot of drama stew. I've never understood why anyone would pretend to be friends with anyone else in the first place. I surely don't waste my time on false pretenses, and I hope others don't waste time on me. If I don't like someone it's not the end of the world, it's just a fact that I deal with and move on. We're aren't supposed to like everyone, human nature doesn't work like that. But I don't spend all my time plotting against the people I dislike. In fact, I spend zero time doing or thinking anything about the people I dislike.

I don't expect everyone to like me either. In fact, I'm kind of a hard person to like at first, and sometimes later too. But if you don't like me, that's great. I have no problems with your dislike, and chances are high I feel the same about you. So let's just move in our own cirlces, yes?

No, apparently not. I will never understand why people who dislike each other pretend to be buddies and hang out all the time. And then wonder why the other is backstabbing them? I mean, seriously people, get a clue. These are not your friends.

I think that perhaps part of my problem with the whole "social acquaintance" and drama issues are that I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I'm not exaggerating when I say that. If you knew them you would agree with me, I have no doubt.

I have real friends who are always there for me. Not like on a stupid sticker on Myspace that says "Friends Forever", I mean they are ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. How many people actually have that? Not many, from what I've seen.

No matter how long we go without seeing each other, it's like we just hung out together the day before. No matter how long we go without calling each other, it's like no time has passed when we talk. There is no uncomfortableness, no self-consciousness, no lying, and no back-stabbing. These aren't rules for a club, they're facts of true friendship.

And I'm blessed and lucky enough to have this small, vital group of people in my life. They're always there, they'll always be there, and nothing can change that. Since I met these people over ten years ago, we've been through so many things, good and bad. Usually the bad was brought into the equation by me, more often than not, and they still love me as much or more than ever. And the same goes.

So I have these amazing friends, real friends, who I would never do evil things to, who would never do evil things to me. And I talk to these other people who tell horror stories about their "friends", and their on-again, off-again relationships with the same "friends". Drama, drama, drama.

Ugh.

I'm wondering if I should have more patience with these idiots or feel sorry for them. Well, in all fairness, they're not idiots. They probably don't even know what they're missing out on. Because while I cannot imagine a life without my most stupendous support system, they're probably like those little animals that live in the deepest caves and the depths of the ocean. How can one miss the sun if one has never experienced it?

It really does make me kind of sad for those people....but I'm also gloating a little bit on the inside. Because my friends are the best friends. And they're mine. For some reason I cannot fathom, they feel the same about me. My friends rock. Out loud, all the time.

Drama-free.

A New Hat

2008-08-30T11:07:00.009-04:00

A few days ago I went to KMart, and took the kids, and my mom. Now, anytime both of the kids go anywhere, it's guaranteed to wear me out quickly, and this day was no different. Colin was as good as he could be for as long as he could handle, but my mother is famous for her shopping excursions. She goes in to get one thing, and two hours later, she's still looking around.
So after an hour of sitting in the cart and being good, I could tell my time was running out. Chloe was getting hungry, Colin wanted to run around, I was slowly losing my famous patience...and Mom wanted to look at the hats. My mother NEVER wears hats.
EVER.
So I tell her that's it, after we look at the hats, we're leaving. I already know she just wants an excuse to look around at more stuff, and I was ready to go and feed the kids.
When we get to the hat department, we start trying them on the kids for laughs. Anyone with kids will appreciate how much fun it is to do terrible things to your children and then laugh about it. For example, trying silly hats on them that are much too big, and ridiculous looking without being huge for their little heads.
After a little while I was pushing for us to go, and starting putting all the hats back. Colin was not happy about clean-up time. He was having a good time laughing, and making us laugh with trying the hats on. As I reached for the last hat, a brown plaid fedora with peach stripes and a leather band around the base, he just started screaming. The high pitched scream that never ends, and everyone looks at you like, "My God, do something with your kid!", which I always love. So instead of waging war, and working on lessons like listening, not screaming, blah blah blah...I just said OK, let's take the damn hat with us.
Now I knew when I said it that the hat would end up forgotten as soon as we got in the car, and I hate having junk just laying around. I have enough junk laying around, and I struggle just to keep my house marginally put together without bringing more useless stuff into it. So I was not in a great mood on the way home, having dealt with a tantrum, another hungry baby starting to cry, and the though of something else to pick up at the end of the day.
When we got home I started putting things away, and as soon as I took that silly fedora out of the bag, Colin grabbed it and started laughing, doing his happy dance around the living room.

And of course, once he started playing with it, Chloe had to go investigate. So Colin, in a rare moment of generosity with a new toy that I will forever be proud of, puts his new hat on Chloe.

Which she is immediately blinded by, considering how huge the hat was. Her inability to see did not, however, detract from her laughing. She crawled all over the floor smiling, and every time he'd take the hat to wear himself, she'd sit next to him and grin, like she was just waiting for her turn.
They just went back and forth, both of them laughing like it was the greatest game in the world. And of course, my bad mood was quickly turning into a good mood. Kids are great for that; they can take one moment, and change everything for the better just by smiling.

Since then the hat has become a part of our nightly playing before bath time, with Colin putting it on and strutting around like Sinatra, and Chloe just happy to be in the middle of things, smiling and laughing whenever her brother decides she needs to wear the hat for awhile.All in all a success, I suppose. And if it's one more thing to clean up, who cares? For a face like that I'd buy ten more!

Free Time

2008-08-25T13:30:00.005-04:00

It's been awhile since I've written. Sitting here now, looking inward for the reason, I have to admit to a certain...laziness. The act of writing is just so simultaneously theripudic and tiring that I procrastinate. While procrastinating is an art form, and I consider myself a master, I feel a seriously sense of loathing at realizing that I'm once again procrastinating myself into a practical coma. Well, a thought coma at least.
I blame having 2 kids for taking up my spare time, but that's only true to a certain extent. The times when I watch a movie after they're asleep at night, I could put to better use on writing. The naps they take during the day, I could get a little bit in instead of watching a rerun of E.R., since I've already seen them all anyways. It's just so much easier not to. Not to start my crazy brain working, not to get all those crazy intellectual juices boiling around in there. I get tired just thinking about what it does to me.
But when I go back over old writings, I'm amazed at myself. I did that? Little ol' me? And I feel a sense of pride in myself, and accomplishment in my work. Which is a damn good feeling, I'm sure anyone would agree. The fact that I can bring emotion to myself, from my own work, that's how I know it's a piece to save. That that one is one I'll let someone else read.
Wellll......maybe. I'll think about letting someone else read it though. ;)

Anyways, I have actually been busier than usual with the kids. Colin sees his speech therapist one morning a week, and I've actually been trying to keep that scheduled into our day, in the hopes of cutting down on tantrums when she comes. More on that further in. I've been putting some serious effort into my role as "housewife" as well. I know some of you are laughing, and some of you aren't. Those of you who are have never been a housewife/stay-at-home mom. Good for you. The others of you who are not laughing will appreciate the fact that my job is a lot tougher than almost any other job. Period. And that subject will become another blog in the very near future I believe. Back to my time management though. We've been going on longer walks each day, which has pretty much doubled the time it used to take. Which could be because they've turned more in to "exploration" adventures that just "walks". If you want to see the world from a whole new angle, go on a walk outside with a two-year-old. It's fairly amazing all the things I'd pass by without a glance that Colin has to stop and ponder for at least a few minutes. But it's pretty cool to spend an hour doing what would normally take fifteen minutes.
Even aside from the kids, there's the husband. Who is amazing, by the way. If we happen to have the same fifteen minutes of free time, all we want to do is curl up on the couch together and relax until one of the kids attacks us....or each other. Getting time with just the two of us is pretty rare, so we try hard to enjoy it to the fullest.
So in the spare five minutes that leaves me, on occasion, writing is just soooooo tough to do!! Yes, it makes me feel amazing, I'm pleased, blah blah blah. But even as I'm sitting there writing, (like right now), I'm thinking about the other things I could be doing. Or not doing, because just sitting down on the front porch for a moment in solitude is like....awesome. And I mean that in the truest sense of the word, not in the "gnarly brah!" type of way.

Decisions

2008-06-19T11:30:00.005-04:00

I could write a checklist of each decision that led to the point I'm at today. While that probably doesn't sound too stupendous to you, let me assure you, it really is. Not the lone act of remembering the event itself, but the clarity with which that memories comes. I can tell you what the weather was like, what perfume I was wearing, the food eaten...and the precise second I turned off the voice in my head telling me to RUN THE OTHER WAY. It's almost as if God has permitted me this perfection of memory, but only for hindsight, be it good or bad. I suppose it's always that way, hindsight is 20/20 and all that...

I wonder sometimes if that means I'm "growing up" or maybe even "becoming an adult", (bleh!); the fact that I'm actually learning from my mistakes, something I've always thought was a great plot line in books, but rarely true in real life.

I watched my husband fall asleep with a smile on his face. He was watching our daughter sleeping between us, and fell asleep himself, still smiling, 5 minutes later. It was one of the greatest things I've ever seen. I suppose we've both learned from our mistakes. But here we are, one way or another, and most days life is pretty good.

I suppose, if having crystal clear memories of all my mistakes means I won't make them again, it's worth it. And I suppose, that if being an adult means having moments where my husband and children make me smile with supreme happiness, well...I guess that's worth it too. =)

Accentuate the Positive?

2008-04-19T22:37:00.004-04:00

I often feel overwhelmed with all the things that are rolling, bumbling, and sometimes jumping around in my head. But in a strange, rather contrary way, (a way that is a sure sign of my own contrariness), the more overwhelmed I become, the quieter, and more withdrawn I am as well. It seems almost as if the sheer amount of thought is forcing me into a comatose state of mind, where I simultaneously focus on all and nothing. It's a very strange, almost uncomfortable feeling, let me assure you.

When these contrary fits of thought-madness strike, I often find myself seeking the most comfortable surrounding possible, so as to easier fall into the coma of ignoring it all. I gather lots of pillows onto the couch, eat junk food, heavy things that make the body logy and slow. I put on movies I can sink into and get away from my world for a little while. (Pride & Prejudice anyone?) Now, occasionally, the movies have a reverse effect, depending on their content. If it's something I can really get into, something that wraps me up quickly in its story, then I add even more to the flood in my brain. (Pride & Prejudice anyone?)

Sometimes I do let myself fall into that flood, and grab at whatever the first thing is that floats by, and see where it takes me. But going on those trips is something like an emotional white water rafting trip, and by the end of it I'm happy just to have survived, much less actually taken in any of the surrounding scenery. Mostly I just leave them (my thoughts) alone, and do my best to float along the top, a bit like that waterlily I'm so fond of borrowing from Fiona Apple's song. And the reason being, I'm lazy. Pure and simple. It's much easier to stay afloat than to try and make sense of it all, or even of some of it. That must be the epitome of sloth, I think; being too lazy to explore the depths of one's own mind. It should be a crime. And once again, I must laugh at myself, at my ridiculous stubbornness, and ability to ignore myself. I really amaze myself sometimes, truly.

But I have appeased myself slightly by at least making the effort to document the problem, if not moving on to the actual doing part. Perhaps another night. Or year. =)

Obsession

2008-03-21T18:03:00.007-04:00

"People can get obsessed with romance, they can get obsessed with political paranoia, they can get obsessed with horror. It's isn't the fault of the subject matter that creates the obsession, I don't think."

~Adam Arkin~

I've spent a rather large portion of my day ruminating on the sheer stupendousness of Keira Knightley. I'm pretty sure that I've Googled her enough to classify it as an "obsession". But seriously, can anyone blame me? The girl is just phenomenal, any way you cut it. She's young, smart, honest, driven, BEAUTIFUL, talented...did I mention beautiful? I mean she is really just stunningly gorgeous to me. Part of that is the way she comes through in her interviews. I especially loved the interview in the Dec. '07 issue of Elle, which featured her on the cover. She's not scared to let her own neurotic thoughts come through, she argues with herself out loud, even refers to herself as a "moody bastard". What's not to love?! When many young starlets keep themselves in the "trash mags" (as I call them) by alternately rehabbing and sticking their heads in toilets at exclusive clubs, she manages to avoid that route, and stick to the "serious actor" lifestyle.

And she actually can act, which is more than some young ingenuous can claim. If you disagree with that, you obviously haven't seen her in Pride & Prejudice. She gives such an impeccable, detailed, perfect performance as Elizabeth. Since that has been my running favorite movie for years, and the reason of my starting obsession with her, I've seen it quite a few times. And still, every time I watch it, I'm blown away anew by the depth she gives to the role, how every word is delivered in the exact tone it should be. And how her eyes seem to actually convey what she is feeling, or I should say what her character is feeling. Her ability to fit herself into the roles she chooses, and own them, is amazing. So many actresses seem to portray the same basic character, no matter who they're playing at the time. Keira Knightley truly becomes the person she's playing, constantly changing, and yet always coming across as realistic in her role. She seems to become the character, instead of someone trying to be the character...if that makes any sense.

Anyways, I just had to take a moment to share my slight obsession of this most fascinating, enchanting woman. I can't wait to see what else she does over the years. Although, if she turns out to be one of those women whose beauty peaks at 30 instead of 20, I may be forced to go from obsession to depression, slowly leading into a distant hate....haha, just kidding. I'm sure she'll remain as stunning on and off the screen, even becoming more so as she goes.

A Little Less Conversation...

2008-03-20T13:38:00.005-04:00

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body."

~Elizabeth Stone~

I never realized how removed from the world I am until I get out in it again. Since my husband has been working out of town recently, I spend most of my time taking care of our two young children. Needless to say, adult conversations are far and few between.

But a friend of mine came into town recently; one I hadn't seen in about a year, a year that was filled with some big changes for us both. So when she told me she was at a hotel with her man, I was thrilled! Finally I was going to see her, and hear all about her life, and be introduced to this amazing man she couldn't say enough about.

After putting our oldest child to bed, and getting my husband set up with the youngest, I was finally ready to leave. Of course, that's when I noticed the weather was getting worse, and discovered, after checking the Weather Channel, that the entire area was under tornado watch. Great! But since the hotel was only about 10 minutes away, I was bound and determined to see them, and to get some time to myself! I adore my kids, but I was in desperate need of a few hours without holding one and chasing the other.

By the time I got to the hotel, the rain was just pouring down, the wind was blowing like crazy, and I had to park at the very last parking space in the lot, the furthest from the front door. Determined to hold on to my rarely exercised sense of excitement, I just threw a coat over my head and ran for it. I was a little out of breath when I got into the lobby, which was empty...so I thought. The first thing out of my mouth is a muttered "damn", just under my breath, because it really was some bad weather, I mean, I could hear the waves just pounding the beach behind me, even through the storm sounds. As I turned around to jog up the stairs, I saw the family waiting for me to get out of the doorway so they could leave. And they had not one, or even three kids with them. They had five kids with them, all of them staring at me with round eyes, mouths slightly open. I try a smile for the parents, who seemed totally unresponsive, probably due to a vacation overkill...I mean, five kids? Seriously?!

As I jogged up the stairs, I was thinking about all the things I want to talk to my friend about, mentally rehearsing because I didn't want to forget any important details. For me, this was not just about seeing a girlfriend, this was a full-scale event, and I had to be sure to cram as much into the time I had as I could.

When she opened the door, looking wonderful, and introduced the supposed boyfriend as her husband, we all got settled down to talk, with me looking forward to hearing about the elopement.

About two hours later, my husband called, asking if I could come home because our youngest was fussy. I got my things together to leave, hugging and promising to get together again soon, and I was just glowing from the adult interaction, the first I'd had in two weeks.

I got home and got the baby settled, and my husband asked about my friend. He said,"How's she doing? How is school going for her, is she graduating soon? What else is going on in her life?"

And I sat there and thought about it. And slowly, a feeling of shock took over. Because I had NO IDEA! I hadn't asked her a single thing about her life! I had, in fact, done nothing but talk the entire time! And as I looked back, I realized that for almost the entire time, I had talked about my kids!!

What was wrong with me?! I was so thrilled to see my friend, to get away from my kids for a couple of hours that I...what? Spend the whole time talking about...my kids?!!

After sending her a letter of apology, and receiving one back promising a double date soon, and her full understanding that I was a mommy now, my kids were my life, and it was alright, I had to laugh. I had done what every mommy I know has done, and will continue to do for the rest of my life. My kids really are my life, they are what I fill my day with, what I work for, and what I love. That will never change, so I guess I should just get used to talking about nothing but them for a long time to come!

Or just warn people to hit me after the first hour of "kid-talk".

I Am A Poet

2008-03-19T14:42:00.003-04:00

A poet is, before anything else, a person who is

passionately in love with language.

~W. H. Auden~

The first book my mother ever read to me that I can remember was C. S. Lewis’ The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. I’m not sure exactly how old I was, only that at Chapter 1, I could not read, and by the end, I was learning how to read. I have such vivid memories of being in my room in the upstairs of the big house, sunlight pouring in through the windows, and sitting on my trundle bed next to my mother, listening to her read about the four children and the Lion. And sitting there, hearing her, I was taken to another world. It seemed so natural, and right, and wonderful. It was like she was painting me a picture with the letters on the pages, so clear was everything that I saw. That is when my love for the written word started, and over the years it has grown into something so huge, so vital to who I am.

Other than a short period of time during my first grade year when I decided to become an artist, a teacher, and a zoologist all at once, (big dreams for a little person), I’ve wanted to be a writer. I can remember the first story I wrote, and I actually still have it in a box, packed away for safe keeping. I was in kindergarten, so I guess I was about 5 or 6 years old then. I remember loving the fact that it was MY story, and therefore open to any avenue I wanted to take. I had complete control over it, I could write whatever I wanted. That amazement still hasn’t left me to this day. I’m constantly astounded by the power of words, whether it be through writing, reading, dialogues in film, or conversations on the street.

But as I got older, and my motivation grew less, I started only writing as a means to keep myself sane. That is to say, I only wrote when I was so overwhelmed with emotion, my only option was to write it all down or implode. I was never one to talk to people around me, so writing was the ultimate escape/therapy. Soon the only things I wrote were sad or mad…(of course, I was going through adolescence at that point so I suppose most of emotions were based in either sad or mad anyways.) I was too lazy to continue sitting down and just writing for the love of writing, even just about simple day-to-day things.

After getting some small recognition for poetry I’d written, and having those around me tell me that I should truly make a career around writing, I was more steadfast is my vow to write daily. That lasted for a few months, and then I discovered the teen-aged world around me, consisting of skipping school, getting in trouble, and further killing any drive I’d finally found. Once again my writing was only done in the small hours of the morning, either with tears of anger or depression dotting the pages, or with little hearts drawn around the words of undying love for whoever I was currently, and always secretly, in love with.

Let me break into this stream of memories to say that I think the ability to do anything well is a gift from God. Ignoring that gift just because you can, because you assume it will always be there is the grossest sort of self-indulgence, a complete waste, and a terrible thing to do. But at that time I just assumed I could put that gift on the back burner, and pull it out again when I needed it, like high school.

So I went into high school with that gift tucked away. I kept it tucked away all the time actually, preferring to skip school to do nothing at all instead of learning the craft I claimed to love. Come test time in English my teachers were astounded by what I turned in, when I actually did the work, and berated me for not trying harder. This, to my perverse, rebellious young mind, was a sign to try less, to skip more, and further ignore what I was capable until I needed it. Like when I went to college.

The fruits of my labor finally bloomed when I was in the last semester of my senior year, somehow scraping by enough to have gotten that far. I was told that I was going to be one credit short of being able to graduate with my class. Having no motivation or self-discipline, I decided I would drop out, relying on my supreme intelligence of 17 years to get me through the rest of my life. And for the next 3 years, I didn’t write a single thing with more meaning than a grocery list.

When I finally did decide to write again, I was astonished to find that I couldn’t just sit down, pick up the pen, and fill pages with anything and everything. I couldn’t do anything but sit and stare at the paper, my thoughts about to explode out of my ears, and that gate between my mind and my hand stubbornly shut. Boy was I scared. For a week straight I tried to write constantly, coming up with terrible, trite-sounding lines, nothing like the clear expression of my mind that I used to write so effortlessly. But as I continued with my newfound, (and fear-induced), writing frenzy, it eased back into me, and me to it, like an old man into his favorite recliner. After lunch, with his favorite pair of slipper. And a pipe. It was like falling in love all over again, and I immersed myself in writing, and reading, to escape my daily life. Because my daily life was filled with a newly budding regret for my past choices, and where they'd gotten me. Or, to be more precise, not gotten me. All of my friends were having a blast in college. I was visiting them on the weekends. They told me about writing assignments that had to be done soon, and while I comisserated out loud, inside I was dying of jealousy. I wanted to do those reports, because I knew I could do them well.

By that time, Ryan and I had been together for about 3 years, and had gotten to a pretty tough part in our relationship, so I had lots to escape from, and lots to write about. But, in the manner of all relationships, when we made up, it was incredible, so I began to write again about the happy times, the great times. I was amazed that I had left this venue untouched for so long. Nothing compared to being able to translate how phenomenal being in love was onto a page that I could look back at later and relive the feelings and thoughts of. For a couple of years I really wrote it all down, and put effort into writing even when I didn’t want to. But, as is the manner of the beast, (my beast at least), I became lazy and chose to do what I called “living my life” instead of writing…or doing anything really that was productive or good.

I started a downward spiral of the worst kind; the kind where you’ve convinced yourself that you’re actually doing good, things are okay, and meanwhile the hole you’re digging is actually becoming a tunnel to a very dark place. Needless to say, there was no writing in that tunnel.

Having my son saved me from myself. He opened me to a place in my heart that I didn’t even know existed, and a strong will to do whatever it took to make sure he was raised right. I had no idea what I was capable of until he came along. And once again, words overflowed from behind the bridge. Like they had never done before, there was a deluge of emotions that had to be put down in words, and there were so many I couldn’t keep up.

Now I am a mother of two amazing children, both under two at the moment, married to my high school sweetheart. I have no high school diploma, or equivalent. I never went to college. All the years set aside for me to learn and excel at my chosen craft were gone, replaced with motherhood. So now I have dreams that are still dreams, and regrets about all I could have done.

Except I don’t want them to be regrets. I want to do what I should have done, buckle down so to speak, and become a writer. So today I’m starting, with this blog, to write again. And while this is a small step, it is at least a step, and in the right direction nonetheless.

Let my passionate love for language abound, because I am, again, a poet.